Oh, Lydia, darling, just look at you! I’m sure that will be a lovely gown once the tailor is finished making alterations to it…  

What do you mean, the alterations are already complete? This is the finished product?? But it’s got all of these weird bunches, and the front is about two feet too long, and…

Well, now, Lydia, I’m sorry. You don’t have to look so haughty. It was just a misunderstanding, is all.

[ dress from Eden Bridals ]

I want you to take a long, hard look at this model for Pronovias. Go on, ogle. Take it all in.

Do you see what I see? Do you see the pain so clearly etched on her (high-cheekboned) face? Do you see the hunch of her (size zero) body? The positioning of her (emaciated) arms? Do you realize what is going on here?

Obviously this model is suffering some extreme abdominal discomfort. Perhaps her appendix just ruptured. Maybe she’s suffering from a hernia. She could be terribly constipated. Whatever her ailment is, she is obviously in no condition to be modeling.

Her agent should be ashamed of herself.

New this season from esteemed designer Reem Acra… Sloppy Sailor/Schoolgirl Chic!

Forget all those other wedding dresses that are actually attractive – gowns that make you look pretty and feminine — because the Very Latest in wedding fashion is rumpled and androgynous. Just look at the mannish collar of this dress, accompanied by a stylish tie more flaccid than Bob Dole’s pre-Viagra penis. From the waist up, this dress looks like something a gay sailor might have worn in the 1980s. Can you say HOT couture? (Get it? “Hot” instead of “haute”…GET IT?!?)

Granted, we here at Reem Acra made some concessions from the waist down with a traditional long skirt with a hint of embrodiery. And yeah, we’ve been getting some compliments on that part of the dress, and even a few queries about the mental stability of the designer regarding the dichotomy (for your information, no, Ms. Acra does not have a “bad case of dissociative identity disorder, but she thanks you for your interest in her mental wellbeing). 

What these critics don’t understand is that the contrast is what makes the dress! Do you know how difficult it is to design wedding dresses year in and year out? It’s like, white gown, silk and satin and lace, long train…it’s enough to make a designer want to “throw in the tulle!” (GET IT?) Who in this day and age of zillions of wedding gowns would get all worked up about a simple embroidered skirt … unless, of course, it was paired with a fugly — I mean, unique — top?? Do you understand now?!? I mean–

…Um, yes? Ms. Acra wants to see me now? In her office?

Well, I have to run. But thank you all for coming to this little conference. We hope to see you next season when Ms. Acra unveils her Safari-Scuba-Diver Collection.

In honor of the gleeful resurrection of UWDotD, why don’t we pay a visit to our old whipping-designer, St. Pucchi?

Ahhh…it feels like home again, doesn’t it? We ask for ugly wedding dresses, and St. Pucchi answers. Loudly. And with lots of excess fabric.

Seriously, WTF is up with this dress? First of all, there’s enough extra fabric to cover an entire football stadium. Although maybe that’s a sign of keen foresight and design–in case your outdoor wedding is rained out, you can just use your train as a tarp under which the guests can sit.

Secondly, there are so many bunches and gathers in aforementioned excess fabric that it brings to mind the image of a manic, obsessive-compulsive seamstress deprived of her medication let loose in a room filled with silk, pins, thread, and needles. Must…create…100 gathers…in…ONE HOUR!!!

There’s also some sort of embroidery in the train that looks like the seed-filled center of a sunflower. Were the dress black, I would worry that the bride would be attacked by bluejays and crows upon leaving the safety of her dressing room.

I honestly can’t explain the veil wrapped around this model’s face like a beekeeper’s mask, except to hypothesize that the veil was soaked in chloroform to keep the model from ripping off this satin monstrosity and escaping before the picture could be taken.

Yes, that’s right…Ugly Wedding Dress of the Day is newly resurrected! Huzzah!

Watch out, dress designers, ’cause I’m ba-aaaaack!